On Finding the Right Path

I knew the moment I boarded the plane that I would regret my decision. I knew that the reality of what I was returning to would not be the same as my expectations, yet there was nothing I could do to turn back time and reverse my actions.  We reap what we sow, right?

Last week, I decided that I was staying in Ohio. I decided I would find a full-time job, I would pay off my debt, and life would continue in this monotonous mid-west dullness.  Regret or not, I knew I had to face the consequences of the decision I made last November.  Truth be told, settling for life in Ohio is a death sentence. I know it. Time would only find me in another job that leaves me dissatisfied, and still holding onto this ill-fated-emotionally-disturbing-now non-existent relationship that has already consumed three years of my life. I most likely will never travel the world and I sure won't have an anthology of published books, articles, or what have you. Rather, I would have health insurance and a pension plan. Yippee.

Ironically enough, this wake-up call stems from a little jealousy that popped up out of nowhere today. The jealousy quickly subsided into a ball of anxiety.  Not to get into too many details, lets just say one of my peers who has been a thorn in my side is following a somewhat similar path as my own, circa the last two years. The jealousy I felt was not so much that this was happening (after all, I lived it already), but that this peer might have more success than I did.  So what, right?  I don't even want those things anymore, right? These emotions steered me back on course to where I need to be, and this is where I believe the "everything happens for a reason," mentality comes into play.

So while I'm on this 'being true to yourself' crusade, let me be honest. I know that there may be some 'real-life' friends and family members lurking, and that has never bothered me, nor does it now- but please be forewarned that for the first time, I'm not going to censor myself here.... 

I'm tired of pleasing people and doing things that I know will make my parents happy.  Aside from financial reasons (that could have been easily solved with time), the whole reason I moved back was to make three people happy. I need to make me happy. I'm tired of pretending to maintain a friendship with someone who broke my heart, and I'm tired of worrying whether or not he will hate me when I would rather just quit pretending and cut him out of my life. Once and for all. I'm tired of letting my debt control me and the things that I can and can not do.  I'm tired of this pretense that I need to be a family person, because my childhood wasn't perfect and because of that I don't feel those bonds as closely as some people do.

Maybe I have finally reached my breaking point. Maybe I am bona fide crazy.  But I'm ready to start living my life on my terms. I don't want to perpetuate this disease of being someone I'm not anymore. I want to cut ties with this notion of perfection or the 'American Dream,' and I want to be wholly independent from any one person or thing. It might be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I have a feeling it's going to be one of the best.  I'm ready to struggle. I'm ready to work hard. (things I wasn't willing to do before). I'm ready to MAKE IT HAPPEN. 

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"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where the should be. Now put the foundations under them."

Henry David Thoreau

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"If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page."

Mark Houlahan