Why I Disappear From the Internet on the Weekends

Oh, weekends! Now that I'm back working behind the bar, my weekends are a mixture of slinging drinks, attempting to sleep (where sleep is littered with dreams of bartending), and dealing with drunks.  It's not the most ideal situation, but at least my bills are being paid and I'm only working two nights a week. Sometimes three.

However, I need to make better use of my days off, instead of just catching up on sleep and being motivated enough to keep dreaming grandiose plans of international travel, but not motivated enough to start implementing plans that allow for such.

 

{via}

It's ironic that every time I find myself unemployed I return to the service industry, despite swearing it off.  At least now I am bartending, which I prefer over waitressing, but it still has it's ups-and-downs.  When I was working in California, there wasn't much drama, but boy-oh-boy is there drama where I'm at now!! I think a lot of it has to do with the Midwest lifestyle--people tend to get way too involved in other people's life- I think it's for lack of having a life themselves, you know?

Another new pet peeve is that the State of Ohio has allowed for lottery tickets to be sold at bars, and a stupid little game called Keno. It might be the most annoying thing, EVER! Don't even get me started on regulars who think they are entitled-- my favorite quote is, Being a regular doesn't make you special, it makes you an alcoholic!!!  Seriously! Don't get me wrong, there are regulars that I absolutely adore and treat (read:tip) me very nicely, then there are others that I would just prefer not come in at all- they are demanding, impatient, and flat-out rude!

I am a huge disciple of the Golden Rule (yay, kindergarten), and I need to work a little more on my poker face when I'm annoyed/angry/upset.  Most people think I'm this "sweet, little girl," and while it's annoying to wear that label, it's mostly true.  But then there is this little spark plug in me, that once you hit that switch, watch out- my inner bitch comes out! If you are rude, offensive or belligerent drunk, I lose ALL respect and will treat you in the same manner.  Which, isn't always the best attitude to have when your income is based entirely on tips-- but in my opinion, they can keep it- I will not kiss ass to someone for the sake of a tip.

Ok, rant over... to work I go!!

Anyone bartend? As a second job or full-time? What are your thoughts?

Dog-Eared: Live Your Dream Life

Throughout the years I've subscribed to about every imaginable "girly" magazine, from USWeekly to YM (remember that one?) to my current subscriptions to Glamour and SELF (and mysteriously, Cosmopolitan, which I haven't read in years but keeps showing up in my mailbox).

While my interests may have diverged from swoony photos of Leonardo diCaprio and Devon Sawa, I still continue to rip pages out of magazines every month.  Actually, I dog-ear the pages first and then tear out the pages later, but you catch my drift.  I have months and months of glossy pages with bent corners and ripped edges, an anthology of inspirations, or my Modern Girls Guide to Life: As I See It.

Anything from recipes I want to try out, a hairstyle I want to replicate, an outfit I want to recreate, budget tips, workout regimens, to book/music/movie reviews.  This binder has moved with me from every apartment in Cincinnati (three), to Los Angeles, and back to Ohio.  Sadly, I don't think I have tried out any of the recipes, completed any of the workouts, or recreated any of the outfits.

Until now.

Each month as my new magazines arrive, I will continue to dog-ear, rip, and expand my anthology.  But it's time to experiment, grow, and live- and I want to share it all with you, virtually of course.  Thus, I introduce you to the first feature at "Shades of Gray," Dog-Eared.  Starting out, I have a lot to archive, and you'll be seeing a lot of entries, but eventually it should evolve into a monthly feature. I'll do my best.

SELF has quickly turned into one of my favorite magazines, and the first Dog-Eared inspired post comes from the most current issue on newstands, which I believe is February (see photo above).  It's an article that I read right before bed, and it has resonated with me since-- found under SELF-expression, it's titled: Live Your Dream Life. 

"Whenever I told my parents I dreamed of becoming a writing, they said, 'Great, but what are you going to do for work?'"

I have never read an article that I thought was speaking directly at me, it's as if SELF subscriptions services and editors have been reading my blog for months and gathered together to dedicate this one just for me. But in all seriousness, if you have ever had a shred of doubt in your "successful" job, and have imagined a better life where you are pursuing your dreams and passions, I suggest you pick up a copy of SELF and flip to this article immediately-- or, you can just read it online, here.  From working her way through college and grad school, and working in a service industry role, the author is describing just another day in my life- minus the fact that she's a published author, and I'm still trying to figure everything out. Thank you Ali Liebegott, for being my inspiration.

Any magazines you subscribe to?

Under the Weather

I've spent the better part of the last week about as sick as they come.  Being sick and an insomniac is not a winning combination, let me tell you.  I'm trying my best to embrace it, the insomnia that is, and not retire for the night until 2am.  Granted, I do have the luxury of sleeping in until the afternoon- which I'm not the biggest fan of- but I am a fan of sleep, so I'm dealing.

{via}

Despite being an absolute grouch, losing my voice, and having negative stores of energy, I think there is some good to come out of this sickness. 

One, I realized I have to get back into eating healthy and working out. The Midwest just isn't California in terms of leading a healthy, active lifestyle.  It's been easy to slip back into the sedentary, fried-food-is-a-staple-at-every-meal lifestyle.  Convenience is simply not an excuse.

Secondly, I feel my creativity creeping back in to my every day living, and I really want to start pursuing it.  There are a lot of ideas swirling around up there, and it's time to put action to thoughts.  I'm excited to start some projects, and I will definitely be sharing them here- in addition to a lot of items I've been finding on the internet that have served as great inspiration.

Stay tuned, I'm almost back to health and back to full-blogging-force!

On Finding Love

Did you know that the meaning of my name, Amanda, is 'worthy to be loved'? Probably not, but it is.

The ironic thing is that I have yet to really feel the true meaning of love- at 25, when everyone around me is seemingly getting married and having kids, I find myself still single, still searching.  As a child of divorce, I have a naturally guarded exterior, and for the last three years I've been tangled up in emotions with a guy who gave himself to me in bits and pieces, but always taking away more than what he was giving.  Knowing no better, I fell-hook, line, and sinker.

Having the last year under my belt- away from my comfort zone, and away from this guy, I learned more about myself than I'd ever imagined.  I broke out of my shell, I embraced my true self, and for the first time I realized that I deserved better, and yes- I am worthy to be loved.  A brief stint in on-line dating challenged me to not only ask the right questions of potential matches, but most importantly, ask myself what I wanted.

Truth be told, all the things I want, can not be found in the guy that I've spent the last few years holding on to.  So I learned to let go, I stood up for myself, and I walked away.  Erika put it best when she described herself as a "defensive dater," and I couldn't relate more.  My one foray into relationships has been messy, it's been one heck of an emotional rollercoaster.

But, I have hope.

 

{via} 

"Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning."

Even though I am not actively dating at the moment, or even looking, for that matter, I know that great things happen when you least expect it. I truly believe that you can't find love; it finds you.  But, if beggars can be choosers, love to me is...

... sharing new experiences together

...his coat draped over my shoulders when I'm cold

...reading together in bed 

...knowing what the other is thinking without explanations

...compromise, but no pretenses

...playing scrabble together over sunday morning coffee

What does love mean to you?

One Snowball Away from Sunny Cali

Just a few days ago I rambled on about resolutions, and budgets, and debt snowballs.  I am very excited and proud to announce that I was able to pay-off my very first goal, it feels so great to virtually cross that off.  Granted, I have quite the mountain yet to climb, but at least I'm making the very first steps.

1. Line of Credit (balance: $409.83)
2. Visa Credit Card (balance: $695.06)
3. Car Loan (balance: $5,258.24)
4. Visa Credit Card #2 (balance: $8,102.97)

I spent the better half of this afternoon crunching numbers to see what monthly payments would be required to be completely consumer-debt free in six months, ten months, or twelve months.  When computing it all out, it gets very overwhelming and a tad abysmal, but I tried not to get lost and discouraged.  At the end of the month I will have a better idea of my projected income- as much as I can project on bartending hours, and really set in place a tentative budget.  Ideally, I want to have my debt paid off by October, in addition to have enough money saved to move back to California.  [But to do so, I'm going to find a lot more work-- so hopefully I can find a few other part-time gigs, freelance work, or a salaried job I don't mind leaving after six months or so].

In the meantime, I have found a new website that has proven to be a great resource and I can't wait to read further into Baker's personal stories. I have stayed on-mark financially by only carrying twenty dollars cash with me, and only by only spending money on gas and food. All my tips go into an envelop after every shift, and I only make deposits when I know I'll be paying bills online. So far, so good.

Any money-saving tips up your sleeves?

Connecting the Dots

Anyone who has been following my blog lately, or knows me in real life for that matter, is pretty much aware of my hesitancy when it comes to my career- or lack thereof.  Throughout college I had one goal, and that was to work in professional sports.  I worked hard- I interned, I went to grad school, and I achieved my goal- spending two and a half seasons with two different professional baseball teams.

One day, I woke up and it wasn't what I wanted to do anymore.  In the beginning, I blamed it on the fact that I wasn't working for my hometown team anymore, and I didn't have the passion.  But the more time I spent away from the world of sports- the more I discovered that I really just didn't want to be a part of it anymore.  While my last full-time job, albeit out of the sports industry, was probably the best corporate culture anyone could ask for, my job satisfaction was a near minimum, and some days just depleted.

So when a good friend of mine asked me last week if I wanted to go to a networking event with her, I cringed.  A room full of people who are going to ask me what I do, and what I want to do when they realize I don't do anything? No thank you! But in the name of spending time with a friend, away I went--into the crowded bar filled with name tags and business suits.

I was pleasantly surprised that the first conversation I had ended up lasting all night.  Sure, it began as "So, what do you do?" and immediately I felt my face flush and my voice stutter, but luckily he picked up on these visual cues and quickly changed the conversation topic, "So, what brought you back to Ohio?"

So began my night discussing international travel, holistic healing, thinking outside of the box, and connecting the dots.

{via}

Once he determined that I wasn't expressing interest in the sports company he had connections to, he asked what I liked to do.  As always, I quickly responded with my go-to answer, "Well, I like market research and analyzing why consumers do what they do. But I like the creativity of advertising and shaping that behavior."

"You seem very analytical."  I nodded, but was thinking how he could come to such a conclusion after five minutes of meeting me. "But you also seem very unsure of what's going to happen next."  Now he was on to something!! I nodded my head in vigorous agreement.

"Can I get deep with you? See, I have a theoretical mind [it was a tech networking event], but a very holistic heart," he explained.  I was intrigued, here was a guy in a bar wanting to have a stimulating, intellectual conversation.  Granted, he was married, very much over my age limit, and I was not in the least bit attracted to him-- but it is very rare that I meet anyone at a bar that I want to spend five minutes talking to, let alone a deep conversation.

He continued, "Do you know that only 1 in 5 Americans own a passport?  I think that this experience has happened to you for a reason, and I think you should take this opportunity to travel."  He whips out his iPhone to show me pictures of his most recent trip to New Zealand. "Most people wait until they're retired to travel, and it's a shame.  Do you still have a student ID? You can travel so cheaply, just show your student ID and you can stay in a hostel for $5 a day. New Zealand is the safest place to backpack for single girls. The hikes there are amazing."

Stop. The. Presses.

Someone is encouraging me not find work right now, and go travel the world? Someone in Cincinnati? The center of all things conservative?

"That's so amazing!" I reply.  "I've been wanting to travel for awhile now, I just don't have the money saved up.  And everyone seems to think that it would be a foolish thing to do.  But one of my old bosses has family in Auckland.  And my old roommate wants me to go to Thailand with her in March. Honestly, I just want to travel the world."  This conversation was on to something. Something good.

He says, "five years from now, houses will still be here.  Cars will still be here.  Jobs will still be here.  Your life will change the day you see the moon from the other hemisphere. Seriously. Of course people are going to tell you not to travel, not to do these things.  It's because they're jealous- because they can't do it, or they're afraid to do it.  Life is about thinking outside of the box.  Go connect the dots, you seem like you're well connected, I'm sure you know people all over the world."  Come to think of it, I do.

At this point, my friend interjects and the topic turns to nationality.  I claim that I am German, a perfect Aryan (blonde hair, blue eyes) but that I most often get mistaken for being Russian or Slovakian-  but now that I changed my hair color up, people really aren't too sure what to think.  My new networking friend seems puzzled and asks, "Why did you change your hair color? It looks really natural this color."

"Because I was bored, I don't know. I like to change things up."

"Can I get deep with you again?"

"Sure."

"I'm a holistic healer, and I noticed right away that you had a very positive zen about you. That's why I came over to talk to you.  You are very centered, but you have a lot on your mind that is holding back.  You need to let it all go, and follow your dreams.  I think I know why you changed your hair color, but I'm not sure if I should say so."

"No, please do.  And I'll tell you if you're right."

"You changed your hair color because you want people to see the inner you.  You are beautiful on the outside, but your core is so much more beautiful."

Jaw. Dropped.  I don't know anything about zen or holistic healing or anything of the sort.  But this new friend, a complete stranger at that, hit the nail on the head.  I'm always annoyed at being stereotyped as the tall, skinny, blonde. A size zero on a 5'10" frame with naturally blonde hair... it gets old.

"You're exactly right, seriously, I'm not appeasing you."

"You know what it means? It's a sign of self-esteem.  High self-esteem.  And you know what, people outside of America, they see people at their core.  They're going to love you."

I'm now on a mission to find my old student ID. Oh, and to get my passport.

On Resolutions

We're officially half-way through the month of January, how is everyone doing with their resolutions? My last post touches base a little on one of mine, and that is being true to myself.  As is tradition (or so it seems) I also resolved to eating healthy and working out, neither of which I have done, tsk tsk.

I think my most important resolution this year is in paying off all non-student loan debt.  This resolution alone is the motive for moving back to Ohio.  Backstory: A lot of people are shocked that I quit the Dodgers job so quickly, but the truth was that at minimum wage, ($8 in California), I couldn't even afford my rent- let alone any other expenses, bills included.  So for the first three months in California, I lived on credit cards and racked up a lot of debt.  That deficit was hard to claw myself out of, even after I found a decent paying job- I was barely breaking even, still pleading with my parents for grocery money, and having an anxiety attack every month when I wrote a check out for nearly a thousand dollars in rent. So despite the friendships, despite the two-and-a-half block walk to the beach, despite the year-round sunny weather and even the steady paycheck, I decided the rational thing would be to move home. Otherwise, I would be playing the minimum payment game for a really long time.  I was one 'girls night out' away from living my own version of Confessions of a Shopaholic.

So here I am, in cold, blustery Ohio, living in the basement of my parents house, and working the weekends as a bartender.  It's not necessarily glamorous, but it's definitely living within my means right now.  While I am continuing with my job search for full-time work in Ohio, I've also devised a (preliminary) budget that allows me to move back to California- this time with sound financial responsibility.

I've always had a working budget, so to speak- but it only accounted for the minimum bills.  After those payments were made, anything was fair game- and I can't count on my fingers and toes how many times I wandered into Target and made mindless purchases, or went out to dinner with girlfriends and had too many bottles of sake with my sushi.  After stumbling upon Ashley's blog when she was the 20sb featured blogger in December, I found her secondary blog, A Story of Debt and found the motivation I needed to start making serious progress in paying down my debt.

Ashley links to financial planner Dave Ramsey and his guidelines, or the Seven Baby Steps. I encourage anyone who is struggling with debt to check him out, and I'll save you the nitty gritty details here.  The most important "walk-away" I got from perusing his website is eradicating debt using the Debt Snowball-- that is paying off the smallest debts first. Convention usually tells us to pay off the highest-interest debts, and yes that makes sense, but the debt snowball really plays on motivation.  How great does it feel when you accomplish a goal?  Pretty great, huh?  So with this method, paying off the smallest debt first helps you stay motivated and keep paying off the debt. 

Here is what my current debt snowball looks like:

1. Line of Credit (balance: $409.83)
2. Visa Credit Card (balance: $695.06)
3. Car Loan (balance: $5,258.24)
4. Visa Credit Card #2 (balance: $8,102.97)

It may be a little tongue-in-cheek to talk so openly and candidly about consumer debt, but if there's one thing I have learned, is that I am not alone. This keeps me accountable, and serves as a forum for discussion for any readers who find themselves in the same predicament.  Debt reduction is definitely a lengthy process, but I hope to share my story as the weeks continue.

Anyone else have a budget that works for them? 

On Being Yourself

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.  

~Judy Garland

[photo credit]

Kurt Cobain captioned by a Judy Garland quote? That's just a small glimpse into my versatile, quirky personality.  It's taken me a long time to embrace my inner dork and to let stereotypes and judgements roll off my shoulders. 

Sometimes, the 'real world,' is just a continuation of high school.  Cliques still exist, whether in the workplace, in church groups, in parenting groups, and sometimes you never escape the high school clique (ahem, cincinnati- where no one ever moves away).  As a society, we're force fed images of what is pretty, what is trendy, and what defines success.  Hollywood misleads us all into believing that 'happily ever after' is right around the corner. 

The truth is everyone is fighting their own battle. To be unique, to be an individual within the crowd, to accepting and loving themselves. Insecurities are diabolical.  I wish more people could embrace who they are without shame or fear.  I spent so much time, energy, and money after high school trying to be a part of the "in-crowd," and it was paralyzing. 

It's taken me the last year and a half to re-discover that inner aspect- to be the first rate version of myself.  There are days where I'm still not sure how to define "who I am," because there are so many facets of my personality.  There are other days where it's crystal clear that there is no need or reason to put a definition to me.  I am me.  And that's good enough. 

This experience of moving home has been eye-opening.  Stepping back into my old bedroom, I found old artifacts of the person I used to be, before the hand of superficiality took its grasp on my life. It's hard coming back to this small community, where I am still defined by the personality I had adopted years ago.  People here choose only remember what they want, they continue to conservatively think within the box, and refuse to see me for who I am now (and who I've always, really been). 

I've done a lot of purging the last two months.  Old photos with old "friends" have been tossed. Those same "friends" have been ignored, mostly because they continue to ignore the fact that I've grown up and moved on.  I've sold back books and movies that were taking up space and not indicative of my personality. Call it cliche, but I'm more of a Garden State person than, say,  How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.  But the one thing that is plaguing me? My closet! Every time I open its doors, I cringe.  I don't have one article of clothing that I feel manifests my personality-- right now it's overflowing with outfits that wouldn't garner a second look, because everyone else is pretty much wearing the same thing.  Barf. 

I'm getting there, though.  And I'm definitely enjoying the process. 

On Growing Old

This past summer I turned twenty-five, and out of nowhere, my biological clock started ticking.

Actually, not out of nowhere. See, I grew up in the Midwest, where people marry out of high school and start popping out kids in their early twenties.  So by midwest standards, I was an old maid.  By Southern California standards, I was still a baby.

But, tick, tick, tick I could hear my time wasting away.  And even though I still get carded any time I go out, I felt like I was racing against time. To find a husband. To find success in my career. To buy a house, and a dog, and have a family.  For some reason, I didn't want any of those things in Southern California.  In some delusional thought, I only wanted them 'back home.' In an even more delusional thought, I believed that it was within my reach. And we all know how that story ended.

{via}

Side note: being 'back home' has made me realize that I don't want a husband or a family. At least not right now. There is so much that I want to do, want to see, want to accomplish, before I ever entertain the thought of settling down.  Ironically, all of these 'action' items involve me leaving home, again.  And these are all realistically within my reach, because I'm still young.

Young, in a sense that I don't have baggage in the form of a mortgage, a marriage, or children to look after.  So, if I want to pack my bags and jet set to Europe for an indefinite amount of time, I can do so. Or, if I decide that I want to move back to California or New York City, or Chicago or wherever, to pursue my dream of being a professional writer, I can.

However, that biological clock is still ticking.  Why, you ask?

Today, I found a gray hair. GRAY!

And a few weeks ago I phoned a friend to see if she wanted to go to the movies.  The conversation:

Me- so what are you interested in seeing? I really want to see Nine, or you know what? That It's Complicated movie looks pretty funny.

Friend- yeah, let's go see that one, although my mom will be upset because she wants to see it.

(later, in the car)

Me- you know, I can't believe I'm willingly going to see a movie that is headlined by people over fifty. I mean, I think the last movie I saw with Steve Martin was The Jerk. And it was a rerun, on like, TCM.

Friend- Yeah, and Merryl Streep is in everything these day.

Me- I just feel like I should I should be going to see... (way to long of a pause)...I don't know, a movie that young people are going to see.

Friend- Um, Amanda, you just admitted to not knowing the young people movie.

See! See! I'm twenty-five, going on fifty.

Are You Lost?

I have a tendency of following television shows, only to get really mad at a story-line and stop watching.  A la Alias, circa season five, when all of a sudden Michael Vaughn wasn't really Michael Vaughn and became a guest star instead of a series regular (most likely due to the IRL break-up with Jennifer Garner).

Most of the time, when new characters are introduced I get bored or annoyed (because character development is paramount to me) so shows like Grey's Anatomy? Yeah, I stopped watching.  Shows that revolve around high school I try to avoid, one-because I'm not in high school anymore, but two- because they can't survive the post-graduation season (I'm talking to you, Gossip Girl).

Basically, I'm a TV show snob, and usually my loyalty is unwavering, but under one condition... good writing.  So when I sat down to watch the season 5 premiere of Lost last winter and basically wasted two hours of my life while they regurgitated past story lines with a new "present-tense" twist, I got fed up, turned off the TV, canceled the DVR recordings, and quickly became an ex-Lost viewer. They lost me.

Pun! [Now that's good writing!!]

Thanks to Facebook and Twitter, though, each and every Wednesday night without fail, my social media experience was inundated with status updates on the awesomeness of Lost.  I stood firm that I wouldn't watch, especially after missing a couple of episodes into the season, there was no way I would understand what was going on... I mean, have you ever watched this show?!


Now, apparently all the shows that I do watch are on hiatus until March. MARCH! Whatever happened to the February sweeps?  And no new TV + unemployment = boredom.  I finally watched the missed episodes of season five of Alias, and I wasn't disappointed-- J.J. Abrams is a genius.  Which got me thinking that he was behind Lost, which was why I started watching it in the first place. [Speaking of JJ, I never watched Felicity...]

At any rate in all this insomniac blabbering, I went out and bought season five of Lost, which is totally messing with my OCD because I own the first two seasons, but not the third or fourth, but I only had money to buy one boxed set.  Ideally, I would love to catch up from the very beginning, since I barely remember what happened at the end of season 4.

Then I found this gem of a video.  And laughed-out-loud at the snarky commentary.



I wonder if it's possible to go into Lost overload, because I'm sure I'll start watching this season and not be able to stop.  I'm already enough of an insomniac as it is.

And a note to President Obama: I love you, I do, really.  But please, please, schedule your State of the Union address for a date other than February 2nd.  If this season is really as good as everyone says it to be, I might die if it's pre-empted.

Billy Corgan Said Today is the Greatest

So, about those new year's resolutions?? The 170+ unread blog posts in my Google Reader this morning were evidence enough that I'm not doing a great job.  The $100+ I spent on boxed sets and movies yesterday at Target is proof that my budget has yet to be finalized. And I don't think the mushroom pate pizza with fontina cheese, prosciutto, and truffle oil combined with three martinis I indulged in on Tuesday night are classified in the eating healthy category. 

But you know what? Today, I don't care. 

 

Today, I danced in my underwear to songs from the sixties.  Today, I sang my heart out until my lungs burned.  Today, I saw beauty in the snow storm, not entrapment.  Today, I realized that I was holding onto my first love for all the wrong reasons, and it's time to let go.  Today, I realized that California is exactly where I want and need to be.  Today, I got all the closure I needed. 

Today, I put the past to rest. 

Today, I was inspired. To create another tomorrow. And to keep creating, one day at a time, until eventually the 'future' I imagine becomes my reality.  Twenty-ten, I'm in love with you already.

*bonus points to those who get the reference in my title*