On Being Yourself

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.  

~Judy Garland

[photo credit]

Kurt Cobain captioned by a Judy Garland quote? That's just a small glimpse into my versatile, quirky personality.  It's taken me a long time to embrace my inner dork and to let stereotypes and judgements roll off my shoulders. 

Sometimes, the 'real world,' is just a continuation of high school.  Cliques still exist, whether in the workplace, in church groups, in parenting groups, and sometimes you never escape the high school clique (ahem, cincinnati- where no one ever moves away).  As a society, we're force fed images of what is pretty, what is trendy, and what defines success.  Hollywood misleads us all into believing that 'happily ever after' is right around the corner. 

The truth is everyone is fighting their own battle. To be unique, to be an individual within the crowd, to accepting and loving themselves. Insecurities are diabolical.  I wish more people could embrace who they are without shame or fear.  I spent so much time, energy, and money after high school trying to be a part of the "in-crowd," and it was paralyzing. 

It's taken me the last year and a half to re-discover that inner aspect- to be the first rate version of myself.  There are days where I'm still not sure how to define "who I am," because there are so many facets of my personality.  There are other days where it's crystal clear that there is no need or reason to put a definition to me.  I am me.  And that's good enough. 

This experience of moving home has been eye-opening.  Stepping back into my old bedroom, I found old artifacts of the person I used to be, before the hand of superficiality took its grasp on my life. It's hard coming back to this small community, where I am still defined by the personality I had adopted years ago.  People here choose only remember what they want, they continue to conservatively think within the box, and refuse to see me for who I am now (and who I've always, really been). 

I've done a lot of purging the last two months.  Old photos with old "friends" have been tossed. Those same "friends" have been ignored, mostly because they continue to ignore the fact that I've grown up and moved on.  I've sold back books and movies that were taking up space and not indicative of my personality. Call it cliche, but I'm more of a Garden State person than, say,  How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.  But the one thing that is plaguing me? My closet! Every time I open its doors, I cringe.  I don't have one article of clothing that I feel manifests my personality-- right now it's overflowing with outfits that wouldn't garner a second look, because everyone else is pretty much wearing the same thing.  Barf. 

I'm getting there, though.  And I'm definitely enjoying the process.