On Writing

"you have to fight every day to stop censoring yourself. and you never have anyone else to blame when you do. what happens to artists is that it's not that somebody's standing in their way, it's that their own selves are standing in their way. the compromise really isn't how or what you do, the techniques you use, or even the content, but really the compromise is beginning to feel a lack of confidence in your innermost thoughts... these innermost thoughts become less and less a part of you and once you lose them then you don't have anything else. so many people have so much to say and there are so many really worthwhile things to say that it seems impossible that we could cut ourselves off from this whole avenue of enormous excitement."

Taken from Cassavetes on Cassavetes

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged 

to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. 

Nelson Mandela 

 

{photo credit} 

Taking a risk finally paid off, and I am in California to stay. 

Not everyone is going to understand my decisions or acts of spontaneity, but I fully believe when there's something you want that if you work really hard, you can make it happen. 

And that's exactly what I did. 

I was devastated last week when I didn't get the job that I initially came back to interview for. 

But instead of letting it get me down, I was stubborn and refused to quit. 

And if I've learned one thing lately, is that I have a tendency to quit. 

Not anymore. 

Surprisingly, my life is returning back to normal, as normal as I can call my life, that is. 

Today, I'm returning to full-time employment-- at the exact same company I worked at before. 

Except I'll be assuming a position that is exactly what I want to be doing. 

I'm elated because I already know that I love this company and my co-workers. 

I have a second, part-time job lined up that will allow me to make extra money, keeping me ahead on the bills and definitely giving me some flexibility in my social life and spending power. 

My old roommate and I are moving in together into a newly renovated townhouse next month. 

We are already in love with the place and can't wait to make it our own. 

I've been hanging out with acquaintances I knew from before, and they are quickly becoming great friends. 

 

Everything has been coming together seamlessly and I truly believe it's a result of being optimistic and not being afraid to fail.  Two big accomplishments on my part. 

Lastly, I know several people who read this little corner of my life on a daily basis. 

Please note that writing is therapeutic for me, and I'm a very moody person. 

I write through my doubts and insecurities, highs and lows, and that's what makes me real. 

Granted, I choose to share my words with the public, and most of you are complete strangers. 

But in the off-chance I know you in real life, I would only hope that my thoughts aren't skewed. 

No implications or offenses are meant to be made, so I would expect no judgement on your part. 

I often wish you would stop reading entirely. 

That being said, I have changed my blog URL with the intent that my little corner of the world becomes more obscure, and that those who do read are fellow Gen Y'ers who can relate to the bumpy little stage of life called your twenties.

Happiness is a State of Mind

 

 {via}

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; 

an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

Winston Churchill 

Doesn't this photo just evoke happy feelings?  I'm trying really hard to be optimistic, but I continue to struggle with comparisons to other people lives and accomplishments.  It's hard to be genuinely happy for people when it makes me feel like such a failure.  What happened to my potential? My sunshine-y personality? 

Today, I went back on my anti-depressants. I knew it was only a matter of time.

On Finding the Right Path

I knew the moment I boarded the plane that I would regret my decision. I knew that the reality of what I was returning to would not be the same as my expectations, yet there was nothing I could do to turn back time and reverse my actions.  We reap what we sow, right?

Last week, I decided that I was staying in Ohio. I decided I would find a full-time job, I would pay off my debt, and life would continue in this monotonous mid-west dullness.  Regret or not, I knew I had to face the consequences of the decision I made last November.  Truth be told, settling for life in Ohio is a death sentence. I know it. Time would only find me in another job that leaves me dissatisfied, and still holding onto this ill-fated-emotionally-disturbing-now non-existent relationship that has already consumed three years of my life. I most likely will never travel the world and I sure won't have an anthology of published books, articles, or what have you. Rather, I would have health insurance and a pension plan. Yippee.

Ironically enough, this wake-up call stems from a little jealousy that popped up out of nowhere today. The jealousy quickly subsided into a ball of anxiety.  Not to get into too many details, lets just say one of my peers who has been a thorn in my side is following a somewhat similar path as my own, circa the last two years. The jealousy I felt was not so much that this was happening (after all, I lived it already), but that this peer might have more success than I did.  So what, right?  I don't even want those things anymore, right? These emotions steered me back on course to where I need to be, and this is where I believe the "everything happens for a reason," mentality comes into play.

So while I'm on this 'being true to yourself' crusade, let me be honest. I know that there may be some 'real-life' friends and family members lurking, and that has never bothered me, nor does it now- but please be forewarned that for the first time, I'm not going to censor myself here.... 

I'm tired of pleasing people and doing things that I know will make my parents happy.  Aside from financial reasons (that could have been easily solved with time), the whole reason I moved back was to make three people happy. I need to make me happy. I'm tired of pretending to maintain a friendship with someone who broke my heart, and I'm tired of worrying whether or not he will hate me when I would rather just quit pretending and cut him out of my life. Once and for all. I'm tired of letting my debt control me and the things that I can and can not do.  I'm tired of this pretense that I need to be a family person, because my childhood wasn't perfect and because of that I don't feel those bonds as closely as some people do.

Maybe I have finally reached my breaking point. Maybe I am bona fide crazy.  But I'm ready to start living my life on my terms. I don't want to perpetuate this disease of being someone I'm not anymore. I want to cut ties with this notion of perfection or the 'American Dream,' and I want to be wholly independent from any one person or thing. It might be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I have a feeling it's going to be one of the best.  I'm ready to struggle. I'm ready to work hard. (things I wasn't willing to do before). I'm ready to MAKE IT HAPPEN. 

{via}

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where the should be. Now put the foundations under them."

Henry David Thoreau

{via}

"If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page."

Mark Houlahan

On Feeling Lost

"It's the fear of the unknown. The unknown is what it is. And to be frightened of it is what sends everybody scurrying around chasing dreams, illusions, wars, peace, love, hate, all that-- it's all illusion. Unknown is what it is."  

John Lennon

I'm struggling. Slipping. Detaching. Smiling less. Worrying more.

I am a blank canvas devoid of all color. I am an artist with no muse. 

I am a stalled car. Broken down while others zoom by. Shiny and new. 

I don't know what I want- to do, to be, to live, to love. 

I am paralyzed by perfectionism. 

[photo credit] 

On Being Yourself

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.  

~Judy Garland

[photo credit]

Kurt Cobain captioned by a Judy Garland quote? That's just a small glimpse into my versatile, quirky personality.  It's taken me a long time to embrace my inner dork and to let stereotypes and judgements roll off my shoulders. 

Sometimes, the 'real world,' is just a continuation of high school.  Cliques still exist, whether in the workplace, in church groups, in parenting groups, and sometimes you never escape the high school clique (ahem, cincinnati- where no one ever moves away).  As a society, we're force fed images of what is pretty, what is trendy, and what defines success.  Hollywood misleads us all into believing that 'happily ever after' is right around the corner. 

The truth is everyone is fighting their own battle. To be unique, to be an individual within the crowd, to accepting and loving themselves. Insecurities are diabolical.  I wish more people could embrace who they are without shame or fear.  I spent so much time, energy, and money after high school trying to be a part of the "in-crowd," and it was paralyzing. 

It's taken me the last year and a half to re-discover that inner aspect- to be the first rate version of myself.  There are days where I'm still not sure how to define "who I am," because there are so many facets of my personality.  There are other days where it's crystal clear that there is no need or reason to put a definition to me.  I am me.  And that's good enough. 

This experience of moving home has been eye-opening.  Stepping back into my old bedroom, I found old artifacts of the person I used to be, before the hand of superficiality took its grasp on my life. It's hard coming back to this small community, where I am still defined by the personality I had adopted years ago.  People here choose only remember what they want, they continue to conservatively think within the box, and refuse to see me for who I am now (and who I've always, really been). 

I've done a lot of purging the last two months.  Old photos with old "friends" have been tossed. Those same "friends" have been ignored, mostly because they continue to ignore the fact that I've grown up and moved on.  I've sold back books and movies that were taking up space and not indicative of my personality. Call it cliche, but I'm more of a Garden State person than, say,  How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.  But the one thing that is plaguing me? My closet! Every time I open its doors, I cringe.  I don't have one article of clothing that I feel manifests my personality-- right now it's overflowing with outfits that wouldn't garner a second look, because everyone else is pretty much wearing the same thing.  Barf. 

I'm getting there, though.  And I'm definitely enjoying the process.